Umbridgitis
by PrincessAmelie09
Summary: Argus Filch is on his way to meet his true love for their daily rendezvous in the Hogwarts Library. When he enters there, he sees his Irma crying. Why would that be now? It's not because of our least favourite toad, surely?


Okay, I was skimming through Order Of The Phoenix, when I had this idea. While I was reading, I saw that Filch was quite attracted to Umbridge's methods. So, well, I got my idea which resulted in this story! Enjoy!

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><p>Umbridgitis<p>

Argus Filch was quite pleased. He knew it since the moment it all began. It was like sixth sense or something. Argus knew it that Dolores Umbridge was the best thing that happened to Hogwarts.

Presently, the man was on his way to the library, carrying a scroll of parchment that was a list of new punishments to be enforced in the school. Troublemakers wouldn't be safe this time, Argus thought gleefully as he glanced at the parchment. Why, if old Dumby were here, then these punishments wouldn't have come out! It was Filch's lucky day when Madam Umbridge had been made the Headmistress. Whipping would be legalized now...

_Meow_

The sound startled Argus even though he knew it was his darling Mrs. Norris. Mrs. Norris's hair brushed gently against Argus and the caretaker purred, "What is it, my sweet?"

"Meow," Mrs. Norris's meow seemed urgent. Her luminous eyes were staring at the front. Filch looked at the direction and jumped in delight. Oh, they'd reached the library door!

Argus yanked the door open and entered in, his footsteps echoing from every direction. The library was dark and only lit by torch brackets. Tall shelves stacked with books stood proudly and they intimidated Argus, who had never had what one called 'proper education'. He smiled his twisted smile as happiness leapt inside his heart. Mrs. Norris was meowing too, and Argus could note the gladness in her tone too. Argus smiled at her as he engrossed himself in the thoughts of his true love, Irma Pince.

Irma was beautiful with her vulture-like attractive looks. Her skin that was as white as parchment, her eyes were as dark as the pitch-black night sky, her figure was very nice. It was nice and thin which was easy for Argus to hold her in her arms –

"Oh, this hurts a lot!" Irma's voice hit Argus's ears. Argus stopped walking and looked to his left. Irma was sitting on a chair, sobbing poignantly.

"Irma, my love," Argus shouted with as much lovingness as Romeo from Romeo & Juliet had. Irma and he had read the dramatic tale aloud along with other tragic romance fables every night during their rendezvous in the library. If they were bored, then they would start gossiping about the nasty children and how they were unappreciative when it came to cleanliness. If they were bored with that as well, then –

"NO SHOUTING IN THE LIBRARY!" Irma snapped and doused into fresh tears.

"Irma, my precious, it is I, your..." Argus blushed but went on, "Argie poo!"

"You go away!" Irma sobbed. "You are the reason of my sadness and grief! You have thwarted my belief!"

"Irma, why, you have a talent for poetry, love," Argus said, now approaching the purpose of his existence.

"Have I now? What else should I have to be worthy of you, Argus?" Irma wept. Argus froze on his tracks and asked in a broken voice, "An employee from the Ministry, I suppose?"

"Irma, what happened?" Argus asked. He could hear Mrs. Norris meowing from somewhere behind. However, he did not care. All he cared for to stop his heart-stealer crying.

"Treachery has happened, Argus!" Irma said and hiccoughed. She took her wand and muttered, '_Lumos_,' the wand lit and Argus gasped at how his Irma's face looked. She had orange, big, ugly boils all over her purple face and a packet was poised on her other hand. In that packet was written, _Skiving Snackboxes_. THOSE WEASLEY –

"Irma, what is this?" Argus demanded, aghast.

"The Weasley twins gave this to me." Irma said. "They said that these were the best things to pronounce my disease."

"What disease?" Argus snapped. Why, the last time he saw his Irma, she had been fine!

"Umbridgitis," Irma whispered. Umbridgitis? Merlin's beard, what was that?

"Irma – why don't you go to Madam Pomfrey?" Argus said. He staggered towards her and tried to touch her but Irma swatted his hand away. "Please, why don't you go to –?"

"That woman can cure diseases but she cannot cure jealousy, Argus!" Irma spat.

"Jealousy!" Argus said in contempt. "It is that, is it not? Umbridgitis is a disease for jealousy, right?"

"No, you stupid Squib," Irma said and immediately added in haste, "Sorry. I must have controlled my tongue, love."

That was the first time tonight that she had addressed him 'love'. Argus instantly forgot that she had mentioned his inability to do magic, a fact that the two lovers never mentioned. He touched her purple face and whispered, "Tell me what Umbridgitis is?"

"Umbridgitis is a disease that the students here have named after the horrifying Headmistress, Argie poo." Irma said in a hushed voice.

Argus pushed a stand of Irma's hair from her face, tucking it gently to her ear. The scene of a wizened caretaker and a vulture-like librarian talking romantically was purely sickening, but romantic love is, honestly speaking, a bit sickening. And in this case, one wouldn't need Skiving Snackboxes to fall sick.

"Dolores isn't horrifying, my sweet." Argus said. "She is the best thing that happened to Hogwarts."

"You are on first name basis now, are you not?" Irma said and anger flashed in her mesmerizing eyes, which made the effect of captivation a tad bit damp. Argus gasped and Irma laughed at his expression. She circled her arms around Argus's shoulders and whispered, "I tell you what? Here's an idea."

"What?" Argus asked as he looked at her eyes in nauseating puppy-dog expression.

"Break up with me and hook up with your Dolores." Irma snapped.

"What!" Argus repeated. "How dare you suggest such a thing?"

"You see Argus, to students, Umbridgitis is a disease that is to aim pure torture towards Professor Umbridge," Irma said. "But to me, Umbridgitis is a disease that is jealousy. Argus, I am not scared to admit it but, I am jealous of Professor Umbridge. I do not like her because she is stealing the only thing worthwhile at this monstrous-children-infested place. You,"

"Me?" Argus asked sceptically. "Dolores only needs my assistance to ward off the monsters here! To keep them in control –"

"But she's keeping you under her control, Argie poo. I don't _like_ that." Irma whispered. "I want you to be with me and – die a happy old woman content in her bed along with her true love. Will you at least grant this wish? Please, it pains me to see you being manipulated by that woman! She cares none for you! She only needs an ally! And you are... you are dancing around her, making me feel jealous! Please, Argus... please come back and become my Argie poo again!"

"Irma..." Argus said. He couldn't believe that his poor Irma was jealous of the Headmistress. He bit his lip and said, "I am sorry! I won't dare to hurt you again and make you jealous of her. Now, shall we begin our night?"

"Ooh, yes!" Irma said, her eyes shining with excitement. "I have found my hands on this book..."

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><p>TADA! Finished! Cracked up, isn't it? I'll just say that check out my story, 'Dear FanFiction Writers', that's my number one priority. Hope you like this. And I desperately hope that this story isn't boring!<p>

Love you if you review! If you don't... well, it's a different story altogether!


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